Overkill
by SuperGroverAway
Summary: Dipper haplessly finds himself on the receiving end of an all day assault of his sister's silliness.


"...It'll be just a few more minutes! Almost done!" The twelve-year-old sang out merrily as she hunched over the kitchen counter, busy putting the final touches on the morning meal.

"Thanks for making breakfast this morning." Her twin called out kindly from the kitchen table. The elderly fellow sitting next to him took another sip of coffee and attempted to chime in.

"Eh, thangs fortha…." Their great-uncle muttered tiredly, before reaching for the paper and burying his face out of sight.

"Oh, it's nothing!" Mabel chirped as she hopped off the stool with a swish of her bright violet nightgown. "Splash some butter in the pan, drop in some tasty stuff, and voila! My world famous Bacon and Eggs a la Mabel!"

"...Wait, wait. Bacon?" Dipper murmured. Due to a recent addition to their family, his sister had accordingly developed a strong aversion to pork products as of late. "I thought you didn't-"

Mabel however ignored the remark as she dashed over, bearing a heavily loaded platter in hand. "Now be careful. I think the bacon just might be a little bit..._undercooked_! Whop!"

Aquiver with excitement, she hefted the plate onto the table, revealing a very curious sight. There next to a small pile of scrambled eggs sat a small potbellied pig. Waddles wriggled and oinked happily, as if he was just tickled pink to be a member of the silly gag.

Mabel bit down tightly upon her lip and bounced back on forth on her heels, struggling furiously to fight back a fast-growing fit of the giggles. Her bright brown eyes meanwhile widened almost to the size of saucers as the wave of anticipation nearly threatened to consume her on the spot. Stan lowered his paper and glanced over at the pig sitting on his kitchen table. Without even so much as batting an eyelid, he scooped up an overflowing forkful of eggs and inelegantly shoveled the mess into his mouth before going back to his news with a loud sigh.

"Hilarious." He grumbled sarcastically. "Just sidesplitting."

She received a far warmer reception from her brother. Not only was the young girl's glee absolutely infectious, the thing was so silly Dipper couldn't help but burst out chuckling, much to his twin's delight; it was as good a response as she could have possibly hoped for. Pleased with her success, Mabel lifted her pet off the table, bounded to the counter and in moments was back with a massive fruit salad.

"Kidding! I'm only kidding! Now prepare yourselves for the real Breakfast a la Mabel. This time for total realsies!"

"Oh, great." Stan grumbled. It was already too early to deal with an overload of his great-niece's cheery antics. Now he found himself facing a massive smiley face that she had lovingly arranged out of strawberries. His sourpussed grimace not only failed to bring her mood done, but it only encouraged her.

"Aw c'mon, Grunkle Stan! Arentcha happy to your pal Mister Fruithead? I'm happy to see you, but then again, I think everything today is just _peachy_!" Mabel shot back in a goofy singsong tone, as she lifted her culinary creation and waved it about her uncle. "Doop-de-doop-de-doo!"

"All right, all right, cut it out! Knock it off already!" Her uncle grabbed the bowl and reluctantly piled some fruit onto his plate. "Eeesh! Everything's just gotta be part of the Mabel show, doesn't it?"

"Yup!" She unapologetically confirmed as she took a seat with the rest of the family. Before she tucked in, she picked up Waddles and dangled him in the air, which the incredibly good-natured animal took it all in stride. "Hey Dipper, you sure you don't want any? Freshest in town!"

"Nah, I'm on a diet. I have to watch my weight." He jokingly flexed a skinny noodle arm. His twin giggled gave Waddles a couple hearty pats for being such an excellent sport as usual.

"Good, because you're not allowed!" She leaned over and planted an adoring kiss on his bristly brow. The Pines clan then tucked into the meal, with the boys sloppily shoveling their food down. Mabel at first did likewise, until hey eyes wandered back to her beloved pet. She thought for a moment, then lit up when glorious inspiration shined down upon her.

"...Yes!" Her smile nearly doubled in size as she flashed her pet an excited wink. This was going to be a very good day.

* * *

"Ewww! Gross!" The disgusted yelp echoed loudly throughout the first floor, instantly attracting Dipper's attention. Hurriedly the boy followed it into the den.

"What is it? You okay" He found his sister down on her floor, with her head tucked beneath the old yellow armchair.

"I dropped a hair band under here, and…" She shuddered violently. "Yuck! How long has it been since Grunkle Stan has cleaned up under here?"

"Knowing Stan….too long." Dipper remarked honestly. The boy then tried to sneak a peak. "What'd you find?"

"_Blaargh_! Like, everything! An old sock, a couple of cans…eww! Ewww! There's some old food in here too!" she explained in what sounded like genuine dismay, which only fed the flames of her brother's curiosity.

"Oh, no way!" Dipper laughed. "What is it?"

"Looks like the last time he ate in here, he was eating…." Mabel wriggled free and yanked out her beloved pet pig, clad completely in a tailored karate outfit, complete with a little black belt tied around his piggy paunch."_PORK CHOPS!_"

She barely managed to say the punchline before glee overwhelmed her on the spot. For her, it was at least three times better than her earlier joke. But while she filled the room with sharp peals of laughter, Dipper was nowhere near as enthused. In fact, the overly elaborate setup only confused him more than anything.

"...Oh...I get it. Pig joke." He tried to force out a weak chuckle, but his bemusement quickly got the best of him. "Uh, did you make that for him? When did you get the time to-"

"Get it? Pork chop!" She squealed bursting at the seams with pride over her goofy cleverness. She then grabbed one of Waddles' front feet, raised it and brought it smack down square on her brother's head. "Hi-_ya_! Pork chop!"

"Ow!" He immediately backed off a little. "Mabel, that hurt a little-"

"Pork chop! Hi-ya!" She giggled, using Waddles to deliver another mini-karate chop to her brother.

"OW! Okay, that one definitely hurt!" He tried scrambling away, but with every step he took, she enthusiastically advanced.

"Hi-ya! Hi-ya! Hi-ya!" Mabel shook with joy as she kept up the playful assault.

"Ow! Mabel, stop! Just stop! Stop! C'mon stop!" His protests were getting him nowhere. With a burst of energy borne of desperation he leapt onto the armchair and hurriedly scaled out of reach. Safe for the moment, he struggled to catch his breath. "What was that?"

His sister merely grinned from ear to ear as she waved her pet's little foot one last time. "Comedy gold, brother...adorable, adorable comedy gold."

Dipper rolled his eyes as he crawled back down. "Kind of disputable, but whatever..."

* * *

"...What the? Oh, wow!" Dipper gasped, nearly dropping his book in shock. "So Mr. Peterson was heading the secret smuggling ring all along! Of course, it all makes sense now!"

The boy continued reading his Sibling Brothers mystery caper, his bright brown eyes taking in the words in as fast as he could in his usual overzealous enthusiasm. "But if he's the ringleader…then who's behind the break-in at the history museum? Oh man! You guys have to step up your game if you want to-"

"TIME FOR RUMP ROAST!" He nearly leapt clean out of his skin when Mabel pierced the air with a sharp cry. Suddenly his sister was up on the chair with him, beaming jubilantly as she raised her pig high in the air.

"Wha-" Before he knew it, his vision went pink as he received a face full of chubby pig butt. "_Ackpth_!"

"Farm-fresh and organically raised!" She giggle, her joy knowing no limits as she raised Waddles and prodded his rear harder into her twin's face. "Grade A stuff!"

"No! No, no, no! Stoppit!" He begged for mercy.

"Whoa! Slow down, Dip!" His twin drowned out his frantic pleas with her laughter. "You'll spoil your dinner!"

"Stop! Ma-BLECH!" He gasped, thrashing atop the couch cushions. "Mabel, quit it!"

"Rump roast! Rump roast with lots of Dippingsauce!" She squealed, utterly content to keep on playfully prodding her beleaguered brother from here until kingdom come."

"No, not funny!" He wailed. "You didn't even do a set-up for this one!"

"Whop! Whop! Rump roast! Whop!" She happily chanted.

It wasn't long at all until Dipper reached his daily quota of animal butt. He pushed the pig away, and with a burst of desperate energy he flung himself to safety. Only when he was in midair did he realize that he hadn't thought this out at all, and he came down hard on the floor in a massive belly flop. A painfully loud thud echoed through the room.

"...Dipper?" Mabel squeaked concernedly. She scrambled down to the floor and got down on her stomach. After a few hard pokes, her twin stirred with a loud groan, and immediately she lit back up. "Hey...Dipper?"

"Uuunnnggh?" With his face buried smack in the carpet, the boy could do little more than let out a muffled groan. His sister lifted his head and flashed him the brightest of smiles.

"...This is fun, isn't it?"

* * *

"Hey! Hey Dipper! Dipper!"

The instant his sister's voice reached his ears, Dipper reacted like a traumatized war-veteran. Even muscle in his body coiled tight as a steel spring as his sister enthusiastically charged into the shared attic bedroom. "Dipper, do you-"

"_NO_!" He spran off his bed with an almost inhuman howl of defiance. Mabel skidded to a startled halt, and before she could get in a single word he was on the attack. "Mabel, enough! Okay? Just STOP! I know you think the pig jokes are cute, I know you still think they're funny, but I don't! In fact, I'm sick of them! I'm just sick of it, all right?"

"I-"

He stomped his foot for passionate emphasis. "I'm so sick of it! Ham salad, pork loin, pulled pork, ham hock, pork and beans, whatever it is, I don't care! I just want it to stop! It was only funny once this morning, and it's not going to get any funnier to me every time you throw Waddles at me. Okay? Knock it off! We're done here! We're done, done, D-O-N-E, done! Got it?"

At this point he desperately needed to take a pause from the epic outburst. He stopped to gulp down a few gasps of air, and while he caught his breath it soon dawned on him that he had yet to be swine-assaulted. Not only was there no sign of his sister's pet anywhere, but Mabel had frozen up in genuine shock.

"….Are you okay?" She chirped worriedly.

"Uh...I..." He dialed it down to a puzzled murmur. "I thought that…I thought that you were gonna...um, with Waddles, and..."

His twin gawked at him like he was completely out of his mind. And he had to admit, that was something of an intense overreaction on his part. In no time cheeks had lit up with a bright crimson. Dipper tugged down brim of his cap down a little and hastily changed the subject, "So uh….what were you calling me for?"

"I...just wanted to...see if you were up for some Chess-opoly." The moment she named one of their favorite made-up games, a smile bounced back to her face. She added with a hopeful giggle, "And I was thinking that maybe we could teach Wendy too?"

Upon mention of his unrequited crush, his mood made a rapid turnaround. Like ice in a hot oven, his embarrassment melted away at the thought of spending the afternoon with the teenage redhead. "Oh…oh, sure. W-we could do that!"

"So you in?" She held up her hand, and he gladly joined her for a fist bump.

"Totally!" He whooped.

"Yeeaah!" She happily flapped her sweater sleeves excitedly. "Game on!"

"I'll go set up the boards." He hustled out towards the hall.

"I'll be with you in a sec!" Mabel sang. "You can get Wendy, but don't forget to tell her she can't have the race car! That's my lucky piece!"

"Oh yeah, that worked out great for you last time!" He playfully taunted.

"Pffft! Park Place and your pawns are totally mine today!" She gleefully trash-talked back. The two made faces at one another, then Dipper excitedly bounded out of sight. Mabel headed over to the shelf to grab the marbles, which no game of Chess-opoly was complete without.

As she reached for the bag, she allowed herself a sigh of relief so massive that she nearly deflated a little. She was honestly quite surprised on how well she had made out with her epic fib. Normally her on-the-spot lying skills were notoriously weak.

A confused oink suddenly cut through her thoughts. The girl whirled around to meet the bewildered gaze of her curly tailed partner in crime. Waddles had ambled out of his hiding place and now stood garbed in his puffy little black vest, with a paper-mache skull clutched in his mouth.

"Sorry, but he's right. We should call it a day." She gave him an apologetic scratch behind the ears. Waddles snorted, earning him a shrug as together they headed off downstairs. "I know we put in a lot of work for this one, but it's for the best. Besides, we're kinda forcing it now, you know? I mean, _Hamlet_ doesn't even have anything to do with food….."


End file.
